Long time no see! Yes, I am still here; no I didn't fall off the face of the earth. For the last four months since life changed as I knew it, I've been re-finding my equilibrium. To be perfectly honest, I haven't found it yet, but with a lot of help and support, I am well on my way. To the many readers who contacted me, thank you so much for your messages. I meant it when I told you that your messages meant the world to me, and as promised, here I am, back again!
As it does, life moves on, and when you have kids, it seems to move on even quicker don't you think? School went back, and with it came a multitude of extra curricular activities that kept the kids busier than ever, and made sure our local petrol station will never go out of business!
As for my healing, it is happening, even if at times it seems to be happening oh so slowly. Day to day, I seem to be fine, and then something random will cross my path, and set me off. Meeting new people has been particularly challenging; there are a whole class of new parents at my son's school, and as I've gotten to know them, surprisingly often the questions "do you have any brothers or sisters?" or "do you come from a large family?" comes up. My answer still changes. On the one hand, a simple "no" ends the conversation at that point, and we move on. However, as "easy" as that answer is, I usually end up feeling guilty saying that. Is it a lie? No, I guess it isn't anymore. But is it the truth? Am I dishonouring my brother's memory by effectively denying his very existence. On the other hand, answering "yes, I had a brother but he passed away recently" opens a whole can of worms that usually ends with me in tears.
Every day that passes, however, the tears become fewer and fewer, and moments of joy and laughter start to come back. Remembering the good times my brother and I had together becomes easier, the anger I feel towards him for taking his life starts to lessen, and the acceptance that he was facing his own demons that had nothing to do with anyone else becomes stronger.
Obviously these couple of posts are not the usual topics I deal with on Chic Mummy. I hope that you can all indulge me these two, and rest assured that regular programming will return shortly!